"See, I have engraven you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
The other night I couldn't sleep. I got up, went into the bathroom and I began to read in Isaiah. As I came across this verse, the Lord brought to my mind a time when I tried to lock Him (and everyone else) out of the hurt and wounded places of my heart. He gave me a vision of myself building a brick wall....rather a brick room. As I frantically placed brick after brick, stacking a new one upon the ones before, I began to make a tall, circular tower around myself. As I built, the wall spiraled closer and closer inward, and I continued to build higher and higher until at last I was tightly encased in the tower I had constructed. Quickly, I placed the last few bricks into place to make a ceiling and climbed into my safe and secret cocoon. The tower was so close to me that I could touch each side by simply putting one hand slightly stretched out on each side of my body. As I breathed a sigh of relief, I heard within the tower, a quiet and familiar voice say to me, "I'm still here." I realized from this vision that the more I try to close God out, the more aware I am of just how close to me He is.
As I read this scripture from Isaiah, I wondered...."Am I doing this again?" I began to pray about it and the Lord brought to my heart my nephew Eric, who lives in Portland. Eric is a tattoo artist, and recently he and his wife Apol added a new member to their family. My great-nephew, Conrad, now has a little sister named Eloise. One of the first things Eric did was to get a tattoo of a heart with a banner across it that says "Eloise". He also has a sandscript tattoo of the word "danger" on his wrist. Conrad's middle name is Danger, and Eric got this tattoo shortly after Conrad's birth. You see, Eric placed the names of his children on his arm as a way to show his loyalty to his children. The Lord has my name etched on his hand as a symbol of the devotion He has to me. I believe it is written in the palm of his hand as this is where He hold me all of the time.....in the palm of His hand.
As I prayed for clarity of the second half of this scripture, I had read it as "your (meaning His) walls are ever before me (meaning me)." As I prayed, He spoke to my heart and said, "No. Read it again." I read it again, "See, I have engraven you on the palm of my hands; your walls are ever before me." Wait a minute! HE has engraven ME on the palms of His hands (both of His hands...not just one) and MY walls are ever before HIM. See, I had read this wrong. Like a bolt of lightening, my heart was brought to a place of repentance. Once again, I have been building walls around myself as a means of protecting myself against my emotions and feelings being exposed. Transparency is a blessing. It is a way for me to let others see the hurts that effect me and to allow God to grow me through the process of healing that He brings when I open myself to Him. It is also painful, as most are not willing to endure the transparency that comes with transparency, so to speak.
Having a Parallel Bible, I read the same passage in The Message version. Wow! Get this! "Look, I've written your names on the palms of my hands. The walls you are rebuilding are never out of my sight. Your builders are faster than your wreckers. The demolition crews are gone for good!" How often have I built a wall? Ones that go between me and God. Ones that go between me and others. And even ones that go between my heart and my emotions. I often buy into the lie that if I am exposed, others will think I am weak...or that I am not trusting God wholeheartedly. However, when I allow Him to hold me in the palms of His hands, it is there that I am safest....even when completely exposed. For it is then that He can be my shelter, my cover, my....dare I say it and mean it....my TOWER!
Today, I am still amazed by the revelation of this truth. I know the Bible is speaking of the walls of Jericho, but sometimes, I am trapped within the walls I have build around myself. And to think that my walls are ever before Him...that He sees them, knows they are there and loves me from within those walls....WOW! I love The Message version, as it brings such encouragement to my heart. The builders are faster than the wreckers! How often I have believed the lie that I am making no progress at all? Or that I am a hopeless cause when it comes to the secret struggles I face? NO! I will no longer believe these lies! The truth is that as I allow Him to change me from the inside out, slowly but surely, I am being changed. It is the small changes within....the thousand that take place from moment to moment in my heart.....that make for noticeable changes on the outside. By His grace we are saved, and by His hand we are upheld, by His love we are redeemed and by His guidance, we are restored!
How wonderful to know, that The God of all Creation loves me, cares for me and had "Yvette" engraved on His hands....the same hands that hold me and lift me up. The same hands that took the nails for my sins, my transgressions and my failures.
"Thank you Lord, for Your love, compassion and sacrifice. Guide me in Your ways and teach me so that I may be a light for You in the dark places....even when those dark places are so very close to my heart, hidden from others but so visible by You, my invisible but ever present Lord. Amen"
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Crazy!
Wow! I must be doing something right, as there are so many things this past week and a half that could have been considered wrong if my heart was not in the right place. Make any sense?
Let's start out with the toothache. Beginning last Thursday, my tooth had a slight reaction to sugar-y things. OK, so just don't eat sugar, right? Right! By Friday I couldn't eat at all and my headache was so bad, I left my work to go to the walk-in clinic since my Dentist couldn't see me until Monday. I knew it was bad because I have only taken one sick day from work in the past 11 years.
OK, there I was sitting in the waiting room of the walk-in clinic, jaw in hand head pounding from the pain and Zach by my side in case I needed someone to drive me home. Three hours in the lobby, ten minutes in the office and they wrote me a prescription for a pain meds. They told me to take two at first since the pain was unbearable. I had rated the toothache at a nine on a scale of 1-10....and I consider natural childbirth to be an eight on the pain scale. Anyway, took the meds, had Zach drive me home and got ready for a jewelry show that night. I arrived at my Hostess' home and began to set things up, when all of a sudden, it hit me. I became nauseated and dizzy. Once the Guests arrived, I conducted the entire Home Show from my seat with a few times of heading to the bathroom to either get sick to my stomach, or have a false alarm. All of the ladies in attendance were very gracious and even helped me pack up my things and load them into my car. The Hostess called my hubby to come and get me as they did not want me driving home alone.......neither did I! Man, was I sick! It was determined that I had had a reaction to the pain meds.
Saturday, I attended the Ladies' Luncheon at our church and was able to endure the pain long enough to sit through a two hour luncheon. I had to endure the worst pain of my life for the remainder of the weekend. I tried to sleep as much as possible, and my family allowed me the time to do so. Along about Saturday afternoon, I developed a migraine on top of the toothache! Now, I was really hurting, to say the least. This brings us to Sunday.....no church for me, just more rest.
Monday morning, I went to work and then to the Dentist for two hours and then due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to go back to work and stay until close (7pm). Forgot to mention, that the first two tries to deaden my tooth failed and I felt the drilling of the nerve! OK, now that pain from the weekend just got topped! Yikes! After the FOURTH set of shots, I was numb enough not to feel it and did my best to be a great patient and just make it through the root canal I had to have (my sixth one in my life).
Tuesday was pretty much a break for me. Just had to work from 8am-7pm with a migraine....piece of cake at this point!
This brings us to Wednesday. After working all day, I was still in some pain from the trauma of a root canal. so I was planning on heading to bed when I realized my daughter was still on the phone with her boyfriend. Dale asked her to get off the phone, and she reacted and that started a HUGE argument. There were many things that came out during that fight, secrets that she had been keeping from me, thoughts that she had been having and after throwing a piece of trimboard into a mirror that was a few feet from me, I had no choice but to call the Sheriff and hope that they could help talk some sense into her. They arrived, but because no one was injured, they did not arrest her or take her out of the home. They did site her with a few things, and then they left. About 20 minutes later, they had to come back because she had escalated again and this was the worse she has been. The only thing I could do is call the Sheriff again and pray that the Lord would intervene. The officers came, and because she had bitten Dale this time, they took her in handcuffs to juvenile detention. They held her for 36 hours and we had a meeting with her counselor prior to her release into our custody on Friday morning. Due to her history of anger and violence toward us in the past, she will have to go before the Judge at the end of the month and could get probation well past her 18Th birthday. She may have to serve community service and/or more time in detention.....all up to the Judge. She came home on Friday after this meeting. She is remorseful and I pray she is willing to work on the things she needs to work on. I know that if she gets her priorities straight, she will do fine. When God isn't at the center of your life, your whole life spins out of control, as some of us have had to learn the hard way.
Here it is Saturday and we had a lovely time attending Zach's play in Yachats. He did a great job and is sooooooo funny! My migraine is gone and my tooth is healing and I pray that my heart is on the mend as well. I know that the Lord in in control, and that He knew of all of these things long before they took place.
The thing that was tough is that I had to be at work all day, every day throughout most of these trials......usually from 8-7. I prayed a lot and really felt the presence of the Lord upon me. He is my strength and I am so glad that He was there with me through it all. I KNOW that without Him, I would have fainted under the weight and pressure of this week. God is good and His plans are for my good. He knows what's in store for me, and when I choose to look to Him for the guidance I need to get me through, I can overcome many stumbling blocks that seemed impossible at the onset. Praise Jesus!
Here are the words to a song that helped me greatly as I struggled to understand the reason why my kids, in particular, are being tested in so many ways. If you (or someone you love) are wrestling with your day to day struggles, please take comfort in these words:
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes,
And make a new beginning
Anyone ca feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But your stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
(CHORUS)
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken heart become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide tot take that step
Out on the water
Bur it will be alright
Life is so mush more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing!
(CHORUS)
To overcome the odds
"You don't stand a chance"
When the world says ,"You can't"
It'll tell you that you can!
(CHORUS)
In closing, I am reminded of the Scripture that speaks so deep n my soul this evening:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Let's start out with the toothache. Beginning last Thursday, my tooth had a slight reaction to sugar-y things. OK, so just don't eat sugar, right? Right! By Friday I couldn't eat at all and my headache was so bad, I left my work to go to the walk-in clinic since my Dentist couldn't see me until Monday. I knew it was bad because I have only taken one sick day from work in the past 11 years.
OK, there I was sitting in the waiting room of the walk-in clinic, jaw in hand head pounding from the pain and Zach by my side in case I needed someone to drive me home. Three hours in the lobby, ten minutes in the office and they wrote me a prescription for a pain meds. They told me to take two at first since the pain was unbearable. I had rated the toothache at a nine on a scale of 1-10....and I consider natural childbirth to be an eight on the pain scale. Anyway, took the meds, had Zach drive me home and got ready for a jewelry show that night. I arrived at my Hostess' home and began to set things up, when all of a sudden, it hit me. I became nauseated and dizzy. Once the Guests arrived, I conducted the entire Home Show from my seat with a few times of heading to the bathroom to either get sick to my stomach, or have a false alarm. All of the ladies in attendance were very gracious and even helped me pack up my things and load them into my car. The Hostess called my hubby to come and get me as they did not want me driving home alone.......neither did I! Man, was I sick! It was determined that I had had a reaction to the pain meds.
Saturday, I attended the Ladies' Luncheon at our church and was able to endure the pain long enough to sit through a two hour luncheon. I had to endure the worst pain of my life for the remainder of the weekend. I tried to sleep as much as possible, and my family allowed me the time to do so. Along about Saturday afternoon, I developed a migraine on top of the toothache! Now, I was really hurting, to say the least. This brings us to Sunday.....no church for me, just more rest.
Monday morning, I went to work and then to the Dentist for two hours and then due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to go back to work and stay until close (7pm). Forgot to mention, that the first two tries to deaden my tooth failed and I felt the drilling of the nerve! OK, now that pain from the weekend just got topped! Yikes! After the FOURTH set of shots, I was numb enough not to feel it and did my best to be a great patient and just make it through the root canal I had to have (my sixth one in my life).
Tuesday was pretty much a break for me. Just had to work from 8am-7pm with a migraine....piece of cake at this point!
This brings us to Wednesday. After working all day, I was still in some pain from the trauma of a root canal. so I was planning on heading to bed when I realized my daughter was still on the phone with her boyfriend. Dale asked her to get off the phone, and she reacted and that started a HUGE argument. There were many things that came out during that fight, secrets that she had been keeping from me, thoughts that she had been having and after throwing a piece of trimboard into a mirror that was a few feet from me, I had no choice but to call the Sheriff and hope that they could help talk some sense into her. They arrived, but because no one was injured, they did not arrest her or take her out of the home. They did site her with a few things, and then they left. About 20 minutes later, they had to come back because she had escalated again and this was the worse she has been. The only thing I could do is call the Sheriff again and pray that the Lord would intervene. The officers came, and because she had bitten Dale this time, they took her in handcuffs to juvenile detention. They held her for 36 hours and we had a meeting with her counselor prior to her release into our custody on Friday morning. Due to her history of anger and violence toward us in the past, she will have to go before the Judge at the end of the month and could get probation well past her 18Th birthday. She may have to serve community service and/or more time in detention.....all up to the Judge. She came home on Friday after this meeting. She is remorseful and I pray she is willing to work on the things she needs to work on. I know that if she gets her priorities straight, she will do fine. When God isn't at the center of your life, your whole life spins out of control, as some of us have had to learn the hard way.
Here it is Saturday and we had a lovely time attending Zach's play in Yachats. He did a great job and is sooooooo funny! My migraine is gone and my tooth is healing and I pray that my heart is on the mend as well. I know that the Lord in in control, and that He knew of all of these things long before they took place.
The thing that was tough is that I had to be at work all day, every day throughout most of these trials......usually from 8-7. I prayed a lot and really felt the presence of the Lord upon me. He is my strength and I am so glad that He was there with me through it all. I KNOW that without Him, I would have fainted under the weight and pressure of this week. God is good and His plans are for my good. He knows what's in store for me, and when I choose to look to Him for the guidance I need to get me through, I can overcome many stumbling blocks that seemed impossible at the onset. Praise Jesus!
Here are the words to a song that helped me greatly as I struggled to understand the reason why my kids, in particular, are being tested in so many ways. If you (or someone you love) are wrestling with your day to day struggles, please take comfort in these words:
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes,
And make a new beginning
Anyone ca feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But your stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
(CHORUS)
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken heart become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide tot take that step
Out on the water
Bur it will be alright
Life is so mush more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing!
(CHORUS)
To overcome the odds
"You don't stand a chance"
When the world says ,"You can't"
It'll tell you that you can!
(CHORUS)
In closing, I am reminded of the Scripture that speaks so deep n my soul this evening:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
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