Insights

As I was driving to work (some of my best conversations with the Lord take place in my car on the way to or home from work) I was listening to a CD I recently received from a friend. The song is by Hill Song. Anyway, as I was driving, the words to the song began to penetrate my heart as never before. This is a song we have sung several times at church and still the words never really penetrated my heart in quite the way it did on this particular morning. The words are as follows:

Your grace is enough
More than I need
And your Word I will believe
I wait for you
Draw near again
And your spirit make me new

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

Your presence in me
Jesus light the way
By the power of your Word
I am restored
I am redeemed
By your spirit i am free

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

Freely you gave it all for us
Surrendered your life upon that cross
Great is your love
Poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign king
Rescued the world
This is our God

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

Freely you gave it all for us
Surrendered your life upon that cross
Great is your love
Poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever out God is glorified
Sovereign king
Rescued the world
This is our God

As i began to allow these words to make their way into my heart, I began to really think about what the song is saying. Here is what I gained from my prayer time while playing these words over and over in my head this evening.

Your grace is enough (His grace is sufficient to cover me completely)

More than I need (Not that I deserve it, but that I NEED it)

At your Word I will believe (I will take your Word at face value, fully and without doubt)

I wait for You (Waiting requires patience for a response, not a demand to "show up" as I see fit)

Draw near again (How quickly I am drawn away from Him and from His presence when I focus on me and what I want)

And Your Spirit I am free (It was for freedom that we were set free, so what is it today that keeps me bound?)

And I will fall at your feet, I will fall at your feet (Surrender is a hard thing and He would never ask me to do so if it wasn't for my good. He willingly took the fall for me, so I need to be willing to fall to my knees in worship.)

And I will worship You here (Not "here" in regard to the physical place in which I am currently, but rather "here" in the Spiritual place in which He is found and resides and "here" in the place or condition of my heart. Worship is something I do because of Who He is, not because I want or don't want to do it. It is an action, not a feeling.)

Freely You gave it all for us (Freely: completely without hesitation. Jesus knew what was coming and freely gave His live in exchange for mine. Why is it then that I have a hard time freely giving Him the worship He so willingly deserves, or find difficulty in giving Him parts of my heart that I am reluctant o let go of?)

Surrendered your life upon that cross (Surrendered: gave it up....willingly, complete and totally knowing full well what was about to be endured)

Great is the love poured out for all (The love that was portrayed on the cross that day was for everyone. Not just those who believe, not for those who were there on that day of history, but for all of mankind for as long as there is humans. Greatest love the world has ever experienced.)

This is our God (This is Who we worship....the One and True God)

Lifted on high from death to life (Conquering death and overcoming the grave to bring life to all of mankind)

Forever our God is glorified (His glory is eternal and cannot be taken from Him.)

Sovereign King (Holy and Exalted One)

Rescued the world (Did all of this to save us, not to gain anything for Himself)

This is our God

I was also reminded of the sermon from a few weeks ago. Pastor Arte had shared about the full armor of God and how we are to daily put on the armor and use what He has given us. I struggled when it came to sharing with others the area of the armor that I am lacking. In the car as this song was playing this morning, I got a picture of myself fully decked out in the armor of God. The breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation....every piece was there, every one accounted for and attached to me securely. The problem is that when I am faced with an opportunity to change my ways and follow His ways in a particular area of my life, I am fully armored but as soon as a fiery dart is aimed and released , set to hit me, I turn around and curl into a ball. My back is totally exposed as I shutter at the arrows that go around me. One after the other, until one hits its mark and I am wounded. A soldier for the Lord, fully armed and totally unaware of how to use the weapons He has bestowed upon me. This is going to change though.....and it has to some degree.

After that awful moment of awkwardness in church that Sunday when I refused to move out in faith and choose instead to once again cower in fear, the Lord began to speak very clearly to me through the reading of His Word and through the encouragement of others that I am to learn how to use the weapons He has given me. Since that Sunday, I have faced more than a few times where I could choose to take a stand and face the fiery darts coming my way, or once again cower and try to take cover. The picture I got in my head is that when I cower, I leave my entire backside open and vulnerable. A perfect target for the enemy to aim His darts. When I face the enemy head -n with my armor in place and extend my shield of faith and remind him that the helmet I wear indicates that I belong to the Lord, and use my sword (God's Word) to deflect the darts, then I have victory! Then I have victory!

Jesus freely gave it all for me on the cross that day. When He asks me to give a part of my heart to Him and allow Him to change me from the inside out (as I know He will never take it without permission) hen and only then will I have victory in my life over the things that bind me. Fear is a great big stumbling block for many, and I am no exception. To face fear head-on and do what it is that He wants me to do.....this is what I desire for my life. This is victory in Jesus....the only true victory that there is and so available to those that would ask.

Next time I ask God, "Why?"......I will rest assured that the answer is "Because I love you" and "Because I see the bigger picture". Trust is a beautiful thing.....hard but beautiful. Wanting to be more like Him and less like me....I will put on my armor and face the giants in my life....head-on from now on!

Poem to Share with Alyssa...When the Timing is Right

Here is a poem a friend sent me. It is something I will be passing along to my daughter in the Lord's timing. It is so very true that we as mothers can do many things for our children, but there are many things that they must do for themselves. The author of the poem is unknown, but the words are felt in the heart of every mother.

IT'S YOUR MOVE, DAUGHTER
I gave you life
But I cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things
But I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions
But I cannot always be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom
But I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church
But I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong
But I cannot always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes
But I cannot make you lovely inside.
I can offer you advice
But I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love
But I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to be a friend
But I cannot make you one.
I can teach you to share
But I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect
But I can't force you to show honor.
I can grieve about your report card
But I cannot doubt your teachers.
I can advise you about friends
But I cannot choose them for you.
I can teach you about sex
But I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life
But I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about drink
But I can't say NO for you.
I can warn you about drugs
But I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals
But I can't achieve them for you.
I can let you babysit
But I can't be responsible for your actions.
I can teach you kindness
But I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins
But I cannot make your morals.
I can love you as a daughter
But I cannot place you in God's family.
I can pray for you
But I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus
But I cannot make Him your Savior.
I can teach you to obey
But I cannot make Jesus your Lord.
I can tell you how to live
But I cannot give you eternal life.

Out of the Blue...

So today after church, Dale and I headed over to the local grocery store deli for a little lunch. While sitting there eating my piece of fried chicken, I overheard a conversation at the table next to me....and I was completely caught off guard.

There were four women from my church that were having lunch together. They belong to a recently formed group for widowed women called SASSY "Sweet And Sassy Sisters, YES!" They were talking about maybe celebrating the birthday of the deceased spouse and their wedding anniversaries with the other women in the group when these special days came about. Everything was fine, until I realized that my mom belongs to this group. One of the ladies that was there asked one of the others, "Where is Deon?" and that is what did it for me.

For a moment, I had sort of missed the fact that my mother was a recent addition to this group of women. I began to get emotional...out of the blue....and Dale was clueless as to what was happening. Suddenly, I blurted out to him, "I need to leave....now, please!" He looked at me and realized that I was not emotional "right" and he quickly gathered up the remaining lunch items and we headed out to the car. Once in the car, I began to breakdown and cry. Dale took hold of my hand, and of course I apologized for me outburst. He said, "You don;t have to apologize. You haven't really grieved, and it's ok to hurt."

We took a drive toward Yachats and then turned the other way and went to Seal Rock for some ice-cream before heading home for an after church nap.

It was a strange moment that I am still not quite understanding....still pondering. It isn't often that I am taken off guard like that and so I know that there are some deep feeling attached to the emotions of that moment today. I have been seeking the Lord as to what I am to do with all of this.

My realitionship with my dad was a tumultuous one from the beginning and in my early years, it was very rocky and unstable. He was drinking back then and doing some things that I may never know the totality of. On the other hand, he loved me deeply and although he wasn't one to verbalize his thoughts and feelings, I know he loved me and was proud of me. In the past few years of his life, we had made peace with one another and we were on a path of peace and reconciliation. His sudden passing was a shock and I am still not sure I ever had the time to "feel" the loss.

After his passing, there were many decisions that needed to be made.....and I was the one that everyone else defaulted to in order to make those decisions. Even the simple task of choosing a picture for his memorial handout landed on my shoulders, as no one else in my immediate family was capable of functioning in that manner. My mom was grieving, as would be expected, and my brother was in shock due to the fact that he was the one that found my father lifeless on the floor. He was is such shock and pain that he at one point snapped, "I don't care what you do. Just don't ask me to do anything." My sister (my mom's daughter from a previous relationship) had had a falling out with my dad and was no even going to be attending the memorial. My sister (my dad's daughter from a previous marriage) was going to be attending the memorial along with her mom and daughter, but they weren't scheduled to arrive until the day before the memorial. All of these things added up to me being the one to do everything and make all of the decisions.

On looking back to today's "undoing", I think some things may have been brought to the surface. I am praying that I will not default to my normal coping behavior and stuff this down and not deal with it. It is something that I will have to make an effort to NOT do, as this is second (maybe even first) nature to me.

While it is true that I had a bumpy relationship with my dad, he was my dad and I loved him dearly. Memories of my childhood aren't pleasant for the most part, but I tend to focus on those times that I felt special and important, and the funny thing is......it was usually my dad that made me feel that way. Some of the things he taught me will be with me for a long time.....whether he practiced what he preached or not is not for me to decide. He taught me that if you commit to something....follow through. If you do something.....do it right. It you work for someone....earn your pay and then some. If you love someone....don't just tell then, but SHOW them. If you speak....make your words count for something. If someone says you can't.....prove to YOURSELF that you can! And many more, I am sure.

March 10th will mark one year since my dad passed away, and a day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. He annoyed me at times, but what I wouldn't give to have had one more chance to be 'annoyed' by him. I loved him and miss him more than I think anyone knows.