Out of the Blue...

So today after church, Dale and I headed over to the local grocery store deli for a little lunch. While sitting there eating my piece of fried chicken, I overheard a conversation at the table next to me....and I was completely caught off guard.

There were four women from my church that were having lunch together. They belong to a recently formed group for widowed women called SASSY "Sweet And Sassy Sisters, YES!" They were talking about maybe celebrating the birthday of the deceased spouse and their wedding anniversaries with the other women in the group when these special days came about. Everything was fine, until I realized that my mom belongs to this group. One of the ladies that was there asked one of the others, "Where is Deon?" and that is what did it for me.

For a moment, I had sort of missed the fact that my mother was a recent addition to this group of women. I began to get emotional...out of the blue....and Dale was clueless as to what was happening. Suddenly, I blurted out to him, "I need to leave....now, please!" He looked at me and realized that I was not emotional "right" and he quickly gathered up the remaining lunch items and we headed out to the car. Once in the car, I began to breakdown and cry. Dale took hold of my hand, and of course I apologized for me outburst. He said, "You don;t have to apologize. You haven't really grieved, and it's ok to hurt."

We took a drive toward Yachats and then turned the other way and went to Seal Rock for some ice-cream before heading home for an after church nap.

It was a strange moment that I am still not quite understanding....still pondering. It isn't often that I am taken off guard like that and so I know that there are some deep feeling attached to the emotions of that moment today. I have been seeking the Lord as to what I am to do with all of this.

My realitionship with my dad was a tumultuous one from the beginning and in my early years, it was very rocky and unstable. He was drinking back then and doing some things that I may never know the totality of. On the other hand, he loved me deeply and although he wasn't one to verbalize his thoughts and feelings, I know he loved me and was proud of me. In the past few years of his life, we had made peace with one another and we were on a path of peace and reconciliation. His sudden passing was a shock and I am still not sure I ever had the time to "feel" the loss.

After his passing, there were many decisions that needed to be made.....and I was the one that everyone else defaulted to in order to make those decisions. Even the simple task of choosing a picture for his memorial handout landed on my shoulders, as no one else in my immediate family was capable of functioning in that manner. My mom was grieving, as would be expected, and my brother was in shock due to the fact that he was the one that found my father lifeless on the floor. He was is such shock and pain that he at one point snapped, "I don't care what you do. Just don't ask me to do anything." My sister (my mom's daughter from a previous relationship) had had a falling out with my dad and was no even going to be attending the memorial. My sister (my dad's daughter from a previous marriage) was going to be attending the memorial along with her mom and daughter, but they weren't scheduled to arrive until the day before the memorial. All of these things added up to me being the one to do everything and make all of the decisions.

On looking back to today's "undoing", I think some things may have been brought to the surface. I am praying that I will not default to my normal coping behavior and stuff this down and not deal with it. It is something that I will have to make an effort to NOT do, as this is second (maybe even first) nature to me.

While it is true that I had a bumpy relationship with my dad, he was my dad and I loved him dearly. Memories of my childhood aren't pleasant for the most part, but I tend to focus on those times that I felt special and important, and the funny thing is......it was usually my dad that made me feel that way. Some of the things he taught me will be with me for a long time.....whether he practiced what he preached or not is not for me to decide. He taught me that if you commit to something....follow through. If you do something.....do it right. It you work for someone....earn your pay and then some. If you love someone....don't just tell then, but SHOW them. If you speak....make your words count for something. If someone says you can't.....prove to YOURSELF that you can! And many more, I am sure.

March 10th will mark one year since my dad passed away, and a day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. He annoyed me at times, but what I wouldn't give to have had one more chance to be 'annoyed' by him. I loved him and miss him more than I think anyone knows.