Esther-Week Five

And what a week of study it has been! I have seriously learned more about the things that choke and bind me and trap me and keep me at a spiritual standstill. Come to find out, I have learned, the more I try to avoid the grip of sin in regard to my heart-reaction to another person's annoyances, their lack of friendliness, my need for "fairness" and equality.... etc, etc, etc, the more I am entangled in the very trap I am seeking so desperately to avoid! I have been enslaved to the very person I am so desperately trying to avoid. How much time has been wasted on this one that is a thorn in my side. No more!

A little personal history: to be in a stronghold has always meant to me that a person had a demon of some sort......a drug addiction, a habitual sin that they couldn't shake, a secret that they were someone else when at home, compared to when they are at church, at work...etc. To learn this week in my personal time of study (my homework) in the book of Esther that a stronghold can be a grudge that I am holding against another person (or in Esther's words I am "nursing a grudge") .............this was true revelation in my very heart of hearts.

For the past few years, I have felt as though my heart has been dragged through an old time wringer washer. Just as I was pulled through to the other side, I was placed back into the water, dunked up and down a few times and then put through the wringer again. I was feeling like I was being tested, being singled out and trampled on by the situations and circumstances that have come upon my family in the past few years.

Actually, this time of wringing has been a God-send! I knew this in my heart and through the private inner strength I have gained through the adversities I have faced on a personal level. In those times I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and trust that the Lord has my (our) best interest at heart....even when others only see hopelessness and a need to "just accept" or "you just need to cope" or "deal with it" all that is/was happening around me and to those I love and hold dear. The overwhelming theme of others seems to ring in my ear, "Nothing you can do about it. Just do what you feel He is asking you to do." "Are you sure you heard Him right? 'cause that sound kind of like a big thing!"

Through the thoughts of others and the self-doubt in my heart, I was seriously beginning to wonder if maybe I had really just heard the Lord incorrectly. That maybe everyone else was right and that I was wrong about the things that I know He placed in my heart as "assignments". Doubt began to set in and I soon found myself in the middle of some inner turmoil. My conversations with God have gone something like this:

"Did I hear You wrong, Lord?"....."No, you heard correctly. Just wait on me. Trust Me."

"Can't they see it, Lord?"...."Not yet, just be patient. They'll see what I want them to see when I want them to see it. Trust Me."

"Do You even see this? How unfair it is? How this is being flaunted in my face? That's not right! You need to do something here Lord he/she is out of control!"........."My ways are not your ways, and neither are your ways My way. My timing is perfect....yours isn't. Trust me."

"Ugh. Lord...when will this end? I am so tired of being and feeling under-appreciated and overly scrutinized. ."..........."In my time, Child, in my time. You are Mine....that should be enough. Trust Me."

"If this is what You want from me Lord, really, really what You want me to do/pursue, please show me how. I don't have a clue how this will happen!"........"Your part is to trust Me, I'll take care of the details."

He is my rock. He is the One that completes me. He is my beginning and my end. Do I believe that though? Do I trust Him with.....me? Do I trust He will see me through to completion of His will for my life? With a resounding "Yes!" I can say that I have been brought to that place Beth spoke about. The place of complete abandon of all that is me into all that is Him in me. Like Esther, I am dressed in my royal clothing and ready for whatever may come my way. Like Esther before me, I am at a place in my personal spiritual journey to say "If I perish, then I perish." The beautiful truth of that statement is that I may perish, but if I do I will be brought into the gates of Heaven as the fully adorned daughter of the King of kings. No one......yes, NO ONE can take that away from me. The garments of praise are beautiful in His sight and from ashes, He brings forth beauty. It is time for me to step into all that He has for me. All that He wants for me and all that He has planned for me.

How about you? Are you ready to make a stand and take a step of faith and trust Him a little more today than you did yesterday? Than you did just a minute ago? If so, let's partner together to make a stand for Him.....a stand that resonates from the inside out!