His Reflection?

As I was getting ready for work this morning, after taking a shower and getting dressed, brushing my teeth and drying my hair, I began to apply my makeup. Although it has been almost two years since my Lasik eye surgery, it is still strange for me to "see" myself without glasses when I look in the mirror. Since I have had to wear glasses from a very young age, I had grown accustomed to having to get REALLY close to the mirror in order to see myself. When I was in early high school, I remember having lash marks on the mirror because I had to get so close to the mirror to see my eyes without my glasses on. I soon learned how to apply ALL of my makeup with the use of a mirror (still can if in a pinch). ;) Anyway, so this brings me back to the story about today.

As I was somewhere in the process this morning of applying my eye shadow, a little blush, some eye liner and maybe some mascara (hadn't decided yet if I want to go to that hassle or not), I realized that I was standing at a normal distance from the mirror and how that still amazes me that I can actually see myself from that distance. I decided that today was indeed a mascara kinda day, so as I was putting some on my right eye, I caught a glimpse of my left side in the mirror because we have a tri-fold mirror and the mirror on the left was slightly ajar after I took my mascara out of its place. I should note here that it indeed WAS in it's proper place which means that my 16 year old daughter has managed to hang on to HER mascara for over three weeks straight now! Impressive. So continuing with the story..... it occurred to me that I read once that the two sides of your face are not the same/symmetrical. If you don't believe me, put your hand on the tip of your nose and "divide" your face. Look in the mirror at each half of your face and you will see a similar but very different view of your features. Not that I am one to go around looking at my face from all angles, but really, try it! It actually freaks me out a bit when I have done this before!

Back to my revelation....so there I was, applying my mascara to the lashes on my right eye, when I caught a glimpse of the left side of my face in the mirrored door that was ajar. I began to ask the Lord, "So do you think I have to put foundation on EVERY day now?" Ugh....I felt like I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. I stood there for a moment sizing myself up and began to think...."If I were someone else looking at me, would I appear to be a reflection of Him?" "Would I cast a good reflection of Him or a bad one?" Let me say that while in my bathroom this morning, I was feeling like I looked like an OK reflection of Him. I had a slight smile (after all it is funny to think that I was pondering being someone else looking at myself and what I might have thought of me), and my eye looked pleasant and trustworthy. I glanced at the clock and realized I had better hit the road. It was already 6:15 and I still needed to throw in a load of laundry and start the coffee for Dale before I left.

Later on, after arriving to work in the nick of time, I was presented with a slight challenge. You know how you learn something from the Lord or from his Word and then comes the putting it into practice? Well, yep....it was one of those moments for me this morning. A lady and her daughter had come in and were looking at color. The lady was choosing paint colors for her living-room, dining room and kitchen plus all ceilings and trim boards. After I had finished greeting her, she stated that they were going to look at color chips and would let me know when they were ready to discuss sheens and paint quality, etc.

In the meantime another lady had come in and upon my greeting, "Hello. What may I help you with today?" She stated abruptly, "I know what I want....just give me a minute and I will find it!" With that said, she headed over to the color chip section. I had many things that I wanted to say in response, but have worked in customer service related jobs long enough to know that when you open your mouth, you have already lost and just get yourself further into the hole you have dug for yourself if they retaliate with a comment you don't like. So, although I had plenty to say......I said nothing. The lady and her daughter asked, "Should we use semi-gloss on the ceiling?" "You can if you like", I stated, "But most people use flat because it shows less imperfections and won't show roller marks as easily on the ceiling as a semi-gloss will."

"Do you have a really washable flat? Because this is going to go in a kitchen." I proceeded to tell them about our washable flat that has the washability of a semi-gloss without the shine and it is also low VOC and low odor....when who chimes in? Yep...the other lady! And it wasn't a polity "chiming in"...nope it went more like this, "Oh," (as she nudges me out of the way with her elbow)...what color are you looking at for your walls?" The lady and her daughter look at her a bit puzzled as they didn't know if she worked there or not and after a few glances back and forth...first looking at me..then her...then me ....then her...the lady states, "Well, I am only asking because I am an interior designer and I KNOW my color!"

Yep....there was the test. See, I am part of a new Beth Moore Bible study being conducted by my ladies group. Our first meeting was last week and the over all theme of the study for our homework is this thought: It is hard being a woman in another woman's shadow. As I remembered the theme for the week, I immediately, I thought "Ah-ha!" this is a classic case of that statement....this interior designer was in my shadow and she was going to do whatever she could to be number one on my "turf". She was telling the other lady, "You want to use flat on the ceiling, satin on the walls and a semi-gloss on trim and cabinet work. Now, what color are you planning on painting the ceiling?" The lady said, "Oh...we probably will paint it the same color as the walls." The interior designer states, "Oh...you don't want to do that. Just have them tint the ceiling paint at 1/8Th of the formula as the wall color. Then you will have cohesiveness within the space. My thought was: "What you will have is olive green walls and a mint colored ceiling." The daughter says, "Oh mom. That might look nice." I am screaming inside ..........no!!!!! The mom says...well lets ask the paint lady. Mind you we are ALL standing within about 2 feet from one another. "What do you think?", she asks me....the interior designer looking on with a "crusty face"as we called it as kids.

Never to be one to lie about a color (right or wrong....I'll tell you straight up if you have a good color or not....sorry) I tell her that I cannot cut the color she is planning on using on the walls and get a lighter shade of that color for the ceiling because it is in a deep base and the extra white base has more white pigment in it and will make the lighter color not only lighter, but much more gray than the color on the wall. The interior designer, once again elbowed me (!) and says, "Well, just ask one of the MEN to do it. I'm sure they can figure it out for you. They won't be difficult at all." Then she looks at me, brushes past me and smiles...one of those smiles that says "I am smiling....but not really!"

At this moment, I was about ready to say, "Would you appreciate it if I started talking with your client about how to arrange their furniture in a space? Would that be acceptable to you? I think not!" No sooner than the thoughts hit my mind than she says, "We all know that ANYONE can work in a paint store but it takes someone with a great eye for color to visualize it in a space. That's where I come in! I am here on vacation, but my daughter works up at (mentions a local design center) and she has a great eye for color. Here is her card. You can talk with her. She's great. You would have to purchase your paint at the (competitor) paint store as that is what she will recommend, but they can match any Sherwin-Williams color...no problem. That's what I am doing. I love Sherwin-Williams colors but I will just get them matched over there because my son-in-law is a painter and he buys ALL of his paint there." Then she looks at me and puts me on the spot by saying to me, "Hope you don't mind if I send someone to your competitor for the paint....but I just LOVE your guy's colors!" Again, she brushes past me with that same little smile.

Now I am fuming inside. I think to myself, "How dare she! That is the rudest thing I have heard in a while. Send MY customer to a designer, send her to my competitor to get MY color matched in THEIR paint...all while discussing this in MY store!!!!" She didn't so much as even try to be discrete! Crazy! I thought...."It sure is hard to be a woman in another woman's shadow isn't it, Honey?" The Lord quickly reminded me that I was the one getting upset....that maybe I am the one having to live in the shadow (even if it was a self-made shadow). At this point, I hadn't said a word in defense. I listened and even at one point I walked away a bit as to NOT say something. Then just as quickly as she came into the store, she leaves with a handful of paint chips. I am left with the lady and her daughter and I am now at a loss for words. I ask them if they have any questions. The lady states, "Yep a few. Does that lady work here?" "No she doesn't. I am so sorry about that whole thing. I'm not quite sure what happened there." She goes on to say that she thought it was so rude of her to say any of that and that she thought it sounded as though she had a personal grudge against me.

Now she wants to order the paint for her project. I begin to discuss sheen and she says, "By the way...is your name Yvonne?" I tell her it is Yvette and she says, "Yep. You are the lady that Home Depot over in Albany recommended. I told them that I lived in Newport and they said that you are THE lady to see when it comes to color. Do you know Bill? From Home Depot in Albany?" I have no clue who he is but I think I owe him a thank you! The lady orders her paint once we decide on a sheen and quality and she decides to paint the ceiling and wall the same color...per her original plan. I handed her my business card and told her that if she had any questions (this is her first ever painting project) that she can reach me any day but Sundays or Mondays.

Just before closing, she called me up to let me know that my painting advice was great and that the color look AWESOME in her house. She will be back in for the living and dining rooms when she completes the kitchen. Then she added, "You handled that situation today very well. I don't think I would have been able to hold back like you did. I could tell you were getting upset and that she was in your space and trying to take over, but I wanted you to know that you did an awesome job today."

The Lord reminded me as I went about performing my closing duties that if I had reacted to the interior designers slams and rudeness today, that nobody would have been able to see Him shine through. If I ad gotten outwardly upset about the fact that my turf was being invaded, I would have lost this battle. For the Word says that we battle not against flesh and blood (interior designers) but against rulers and powers of the enemy (my paraphrase of course). Now, as far as the battle that rages within......the Lord is the one that will overcoming ALL of my battles...whether inward or outward battles. I think that today I look a bit more like my Father than I did this morning. The challenge is to do it again tomorrow when faced with another moment of testing of the spirit.

Top Ten Question for the PaintGirl

1. Do you have to prime primer?

2. Can you make this sky blue into a sunshine yellow?

3. Should I put paint over a topcoat?

4. Can you tell me what color my kitchen is? The prior owner bought their paint here. Not sure who they were, or who the builder was or who the painter was, but I DO know my address...so......

5. Can you match the whiteish coffee color residue of my latte on the inside of my Star Bucks to-go cup....not the outside of the cup....the INSIDE?

6. Paint is paint, right? I mean....all paint is the same right? Just a different brand name.

7. I can't remember who my painter was, but he bought some paint here about 6 years ago and I think he said YOU mixed it....you're Yvette, right? I live at (they give me their address) and it is a sort of warm beige color? Can you find it in my computer, or do you remember what color you made?

8. Can you mix my paint or do you just answer the phone?

9. Can I speak with a man? No offense, but I need a paint expert.

10. I know your sign says Sherwin-Williams, but what BRAND do you sell? You know....what KIND of paint do you sell here? You know....who MAKES your paint?

Answers I gave to the above questions:

1. Primer is just that...it primes. You don't have to prime the primer.....you just need to prime and paint the drywall.

2. Blue and yellow are primary colors, so you cannot make one primary color into another. No matter how much yellow I add, it will never overtake the blue and you will end up with green. At this point the lady asked me, "Every time?" My reply, "Yep....everytime!"

3. Paint is a topcoat.

4. Paint is tracked in the computer by who bought it and only track if it is sold through an account. Without a painter's name, an account name, a builder name, a color name, or time frame....I cannot find your color in the computer. Your address cannot help me find your paint color.

5. I can match the color of the cup, but the color eye will "read" the white cup and not take into account the coffee stain. Plus, I cannot scan a wet sample....it would ruin my $40,000 color eye.

6. That is the same as saying "men or men" or "meat is meat". Until you look closely at a man or talk with him and get to know him....they are all men....but very different indeed! Hamburger and steak are both beef and come from cattle, but they are very different tasting. Sure all paints look the same in the can.....but once you actually apply the paint, you will get a better understanding of why high quality paint costs more.

7. Again without more information, I cannot find your paint in the computer. It would be like going to the grocery store and saying to the cashier, "I purchased a gallon of milk here 6 years ago and it was a gallon and it was white. I think you sold it to me. I sued my credit card so it is in the computer. Can you find it in the computer and tell me what kind it was so that I can get another gallon?

8. Yep. I CAN mix paint....the question now becomes WILL I mix your paint?

9. Sure, let me go get him for you. I then head to the back room and get me newest parttimer (the only other person on duty at the time) and he goes out t help the customer. As my fellow employee approaches, the customer says, "Oh good. I need to talk to you about a lacquer. Do I some sort of sealer under my lacquer and do I have to spray it? And if so, what kind of tip should I use?" The parttimer looks scared and says, "I'm gonna have to get my manger on this one." He comes in the back and says, "He needs to know about lacquer and I don't have a clue! Will you help him?" I go back out and say, "Now what is it that you need?" (I have heard the whole conversation but at this point I just want him to have to work for it!) He replies, "Well, I need the paint expert. Is that you." I simply reply, "Yep." After a brief pause and a scan of my entire being followed by a long stare, he SLOWLY repeats his questions again ("so you understand", he adds) and I look straight at him, point blank in the eyes and ask, "Now do you want a nitricellulous lacquer or do you prefer a pre-cat lac.....you know a pre-catalized hi-build non-yellow, self-priming lacquer..........are you with me?" And then I smile and wait for an answer. It usually start out with an, "Ummmmm." or an "Uhhhhhhhh...." Too fun!

10. We only sell Sherwin-Williams paint and we are the world's oldest and largest paint manufacturer. All of our paint are made by and for Sherwin-Williams. We ARE Sherwin-Williams paint.

Moments of......

Beginning a new Beth Moore Bible study is never something that I completely 100% look forward to. The "work" part of the homework.......that's one thing. The opening up wounds that I had thought were long gone. The remembering of moments that I would much prefer to forget. And the thought rolling around in my heart and head at just how very much the Savior endured for me....for my sin.

So why am I once again in a Beth Moore study? Well, I have thought about that and it is in those moments of deepest inner turning that I am most changed. That is where He can do the most change in my heart. When I obey....even when I really, really, really don't want to! Ever had a moment like that? I have had far too many times to count.

Last night, we gathered for our first of 10 weeks as together we study the book of Esther. To hear Beth explain that she has had a season of not being able to "feel" "touch" "hear" or otherwise "see" God, she knows that she knows that He is with her. Like all of us, I too have had times of feeling like asking Him, "Are you SERIOUS!?" In fact, I HAVE asked Him that question. The answer is always the same...."Yes. I am serious." The choice to "go" with God a given situation or to "go" with self is always looming over me. Times of choosing Him have proven better for me than times of choosing MY way.

To know that I have a destiny is something I have always felt. The Lord has specific plans for me (for you too) and He is more than willing to show us these plans when we yield to Him and His will. To 'bend " to His will and way is something that this reed struggles with each day. If you are honest at all, you have a hard time "bending" as well......yielding to the One worth of all honor, praise and glory. But oh in those times when we do....WOW!

Looking forward to this study isn't something that my heart is feeling right now. It is more out of obedience that I am doing this. The whole idea of a Bible study with a bunch of women, lead by a woman, about a woman.....well, it's just overwhelming if I let it be. But this is what He is calling me too....it is what He has prepared me for. A ministry with other women, for women. Not exactly my cup of tea......after all, I prefer coffee!

It is with an open heart, a spirit of yielding and an intense love of the Lord that I accept whatever it is that He has planned for me. The Bible verse that is my life verse and that I have a tattoo of is Jeremiah 29 : 11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to bring you a future and a hope. Some of what He has reveal to me has scared the socks off of me. Some of them are mind boggling and a few are downright crazy! But....it isn't my plan, it isn't my life even. I belong to Him and I am His alone....Ia mnot my own, I was bought with a price and that price was the very life of Jesus. Broken and battered He took my place....took on my sin. So broken and battered I come to Him willing to do whatever the Father asks of me. What better example of following God is there, afterall, than Jesus Himself.

Looking forward to my homework with a grateful and expectant heart!

Remembering Dad

Yesterday marked one year since my dad passed away. Throughout the day (yes, I worked 11 hours as is usual for my Tuesdays) I kept having little thoughts of moments spent with my dad. We were never really the kind of family that did a lot of things together that wasn't "practical" or "necessary", so the few moments that I have in my memory that were moments of fun or togetherness are treasured.

One moment that will always stick with me is the first time I saw my dad cry. I was about 7 years old and my sister 8 years my senior) had just received a new three speed bike. I was too young to ride it, but I had never seen a new bike other than in the store and I wanted to ride it so badly. My dad decided to have me sit on the handle bars and he would give me a rise. We started toward the corner and there was a VW coming up behind us. I remember yelling,"Let's race it Dad! Let's race it!" He began to peddle fast and I was having a great time with the wind in my face AND we were actually beating the VW! As we approached the corner, my dad began to apply the brakes and I went flying up and over the front of the bike. My dad had forgotten that we were on my sister's NEW bike and that unlike he old bike, these brakes worked well. My face landed on the sidewalk, and I ended up with a large scrape on my face that went all along the right side of my face......from my jaw line to above my eye. It was a really bad scrape and I of course was crying. My mom took care of the wound, and I went to find my dad to tell him I was going to be okay. I found him on the stairway to the basement and he had his face in his hands and he was crying. This was the first time in my life that I saw him cry and it scared me a bit. He kept saying, "I'm sorry." over and over to me. I realized at that moment that my dad was human. That he had feelings and he hurt and his heart was capable of deep feeling.

Years later, and just a few weeks before he passed away, I was at work listening to a Chris Tomlin song titled, "I Will Rise". My dad had stopped by my work as he was in the habit of doing from time to time and he come to my car and asked what I was doing. I told him about the song I was listening to and he said, "Well, let's hear it!" As I restarted the song, we listened to the words Chris sang, "There's a peace Ive come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul, I can say it is well...." as the song continued, and then came to an end, my dad began to tear up. He said, "Won't that be awesome! To be in the presence of the Lord! I think I'll just hit the floor of heaven when I get there and that's where I'll stay from about a million years or so." Little did either one of us know, that he would just two weeks later, meet the Lord face to face.

So....yesterday, while I was having thoughts throughout the day, I had a peace that my dad has now completed his first year of the million he was planning to just lay before the Lord in reverence and honor and awe. 999,999 years to go and then he spend the next million on his knees before the One who is worthy of all praise.

There are times I think my dad will walk through my door at work and ask me, "What's goin' on?" as he reaches out to give me a hug. If I see a blue fishing hat, I immediately think of him and always will. He loved me and I loved him....although we didn't tell one another very often. That is the only thing I might consider a "regret"....but I prefer to look at it as a lesson..... Take time now to tell others that I love them so that when they are gone I won't feel as though they didn't know.....or that I failed to let them know.

Insights

As I was driving to work (some of my best conversations with the Lord take place in my car on the way to or home from work) I was listening to a CD I recently received from a friend. The song is by Hill Song. Anyway, as I was driving, the words to the song began to penetrate my heart as never before. This is a song we have sung several times at church and still the words never really penetrated my heart in quite the way it did on this particular morning. The words are as follows:

Your grace is enough
More than I need
And your Word I will believe
I wait for you
Draw near again
And your spirit make me new

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

Your presence in me
Jesus light the way
By the power of your Word
I am restored
I am redeemed
By your spirit i am free

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

Freely you gave it all for us
Surrendered your life upon that cross
Great is your love
Poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign king
Rescued the world
This is our God

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

And i will fall at your feet
I will fall at your feet
And i will worship you here

Freely you gave it all for us
Surrendered your life upon that cross
Great is your love
Poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever out God is glorified
Sovereign king
Rescued the world
This is our God

As i began to allow these words to make their way into my heart, I began to really think about what the song is saying. Here is what I gained from my prayer time while playing these words over and over in my head this evening.

Your grace is enough (His grace is sufficient to cover me completely)

More than I need (Not that I deserve it, but that I NEED it)

At your Word I will believe (I will take your Word at face value, fully and without doubt)

I wait for You (Waiting requires patience for a response, not a demand to "show up" as I see fit)

Draw near again (How quickly I am drawn away from Him and from His presence when I focus on me and what I want)

And Your Spirit I am free (It was for freedom that we were set free, so what is it today that keeps me bound?)

And I will fall at your feet, I will fall at your feet (Surrender is a hard thing and He would never ask me to do so if it wasn't for my good. He willingly took the fall for me, so I need to be willing to fall to my knees in worship.)

And I will worship You here (Not "here" in regard to the physical place in which I am currently, but rather "here" in the Spiritual place in which He is found and resides and "here" in the place or condition of my heart. Worship is something I do because of Who He is, not because I want or don't want to do it. It is an action, not a feeling.)

Freely You gave it all for us (Freely: completely without hesitation. Jesus knew what was coming and freely gave His live in exchange for mine. Why is it then that I have a hard time freely giving Him the worship He so willingly deserves, or find difficulty in giving Him parts of my heart that I am reluctant o let go of?)

Surrendered your life upon that cross (Surrendered: gave it up....willingly, complete and totally knowing full well what was about to be endured)

Great is the love poured out for all (The love that was portrayed on the cross that day was for everyone. Not just those who believe, not for those who were there on that day of history, but for all of mankind for as long as there is humans. Greatest love the world has ever experienced.)

This is our God (This is Who we worship....the One and True God)

Lifted on high from death to life (Conquering death and overcoming the grave to bring life to all of mankind)

Forever our God is glorified (His glory is eternal and cannot be taken from Him.)

Sovereign King (Holy and Exalted One)

Rescued the world (Did all of this to save us, not to gain anything for Himself)

This is our God

I was also reminded of the sermon from a few weeks ago. Pastor Arte had shared about the full armor of God and how we are to daily put on the armor and use what He has given us. I struggled when it came to sharing with others the area of the armor that I am lacking. In the car as this song was playing this morning, I got a picture of myself fully decked out in the armor of God. The breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation....every piece was there, every one accounted for and attached to me securely. The problem is that when I am faced with an opportunity to change my ways and follow His ways in a particular area of my life, I am fully armored but as soon as a fiery dart is aimed and released , set to hit me, I turn around and curl into a ball. My back is totally exposed as I shutter at the arrows that go around me. One after the other, until one hits its mark and I am wounded. A soldier for the Lord, fully armed and totally unaware of how to use the weapons He has bestowed upon me. This is going to change though.....and it has to some degree.

After that awful moment of awkwardness in church that Sunday when I refused to move out in faith and choose instead to once again cower in fear, the Lord began to speak very clearly to me through the reading of His Word and through the encouragement of others that I am to learn how to use the weapons He has given me. Since that Sunday, I have faced more than a few times where I could choose to take a stand and face the fiery darts coming my way, or once again cower and try to take cover. The picture I got in my head is that when I cower, I leave my entire backside open and vulnerable. A perfect target for the enemy to aim His darts. When I face the enemy head -n with my armor in place and extend my shield of faith and remind him that the helmet I wear indicates that I belong to the Lord, and use my sword (God's Word) to deflect the darts, then I have victory! Then I have victory!

Jesus freely gave it all for me on the cross that day. When He asks me to give a part of my heart to Him and allow Him to change me from the inside out (as I know He will never take it without permission) hen and only then will I have victory in my life over the things that bind me. Fear is a great big stumbling block for many, and I am no exception. To face fear head-on and do what it is that He wants me to do.....this is what I desire for my life. This is victory in Jesus....the only true victory that there is and so available to those that would ask.

Next time I ask God, "Why?"......I will rest assured that the answer is "Because I love you" and "Because I see the bigger picture". Trust is a beautiful thing.....hard but beautiful. Wanting to be more like Him and less like me....I will put on my armor and face the giants in my life....head-on from now on!

Poem to Share with Alyssa...When the Timing is Right

Here is a poem a friend sent me. It is something I will be passing along to my daughter in the Lord's timing. It is so very true that we as mothers can do many things for our children, but there are many things that they must do for themselves. The author of the poem is unknown, but the words are felt in the heart of every mother.

IT'S YOUR MOVE, DAUGHTER
I gave you life
But I cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things
But I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions
But I cannot always be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom
But I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church
But I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong
But I cannot always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes
But I cannot make you lovely inside.
I can offer you advice
But I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love
But I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to be a friend
But I cannot make you one.
I can teach you to share
But I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect
But I can't force you to show honor.
I can grieve about your report card
But I cannot doubt your teachers.
I can advise you about friends
But I cannot choose them for you.
I can teach you about sex
But I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life
But I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about drink
But I can't say NO for you.
I can warn you about drugs
But I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals
But I can't achieve them for you.
I can let you babysit
But I can't be responsible for your actions.
I can teach you kindness
But I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins
But I cannot make your morals.
I can love you as a daughter
But I cannot place you in God's family.
I can pray for you
But I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus
But I cannot make Him your Savior.
I can teach you to obey
But I cannot make Jesus your Lord.
I can tell you how to live
But I cannot give you eternal life.

Out of the Blue...

So today after church, Dale and I headed over to the local grocery store deli for a little lunch. While sitting there eating my piece of fried chicken, I overheard a conversation at the table next to me....and I was completely caught off guard.

There were four women from my church that were having lunch together. They belong to a recently formed group for widowed women called SASSY "Sweet And Sassy Sisters, YES!" They were talking about maybe celebrating the birthday of the deceased spouse and their wedding anniversaries with the other women in the group when these special days came about. Everything was fine, until I realized that my mom belongs to this group. One of the ladies that was there asked one of the others, "Where is Deon?" and that is what did it for me.

For a moment, I had sort of missed the fact that my mother was a recent addition to this group of women. I began to get emotional...out of the blue....and Dale was clueless as to what was happening. Suddenly, I blurted out to him, "I need to leave....now, please!" He looked at me and realized that I was not emotional "right" and he quickly gathered up the remaining lunch items and we headed out to the car. Once in the car, I began to breakdown and cry. Dale took hold of my hand, and of course I apologized for me outburst. He said, "You don;t have to apologize. You haven't really grieved, and it's ok to hurt."

We took a drive toward Yachats and then turned the other way and went to Seal Rock for some ice-cream before heading home for an after church nap.

It was a strange moment that I am still not quite understanding....still pondering. It isn't often that I am taken off guard like that and so I know that there are some deep feeling attached to the emotions of that moment today. I have been seeking the Lord as to what I am to do with all of this.

My realitionship with my dad was a tumultuous one from the beginning and in my early years, it was very rocky and unstable. He was drinking back then and doing some things that I may never know the totality of. On the other hand, he loved me deeply and although he wasn't one to verbalize his thoughts and feelings, I know he loved me and was proud of me. In the past few years of his life, we had made peace with one another and we were on a path of peace and reconciliation. His sudden passing was a shock and I am still not sure I ever had the time to "feel" the loss.

After his passing, there were many decisions that needed to be made.....and I was the one that everyone else defaulted to in order to make those decisions. Even the simple task of choosing a picture for his memorial handout landed on my shoulders, as no one else in my immediate family was capable of functioning in that manner. My mom was grieving, as would be expected, and my brother was in shock due to the fact that he was the one that found my father lifeless on the floor. He was is such shock and pain that he at one point snapped, "I don't care what you do. Just don't ask me to do anything." My sister (my mom's daughter from a previous relationship) had had a falling out with my dad and was no even going to be attending the memorial. My sister (my dad's daughter from a previous marriage) was going to be attending the memorial along with her mom and daughter, but they weren't scheduled to arrive until the day before the memorial. All of these things added up to me being the one to do everything and make all of the decisions.

On looking back to today's "undoing", I think some things may have been brought to the surface. I am praying that I will not default to my normal coping behavior and stuff this down and not deal with it. It is something that I will have to make an effort to NOT do, as this is second (maybe even first) nature to me.

While it is true that I had a bumpy relationship with my dad, he was my dad and I loved him dearly. Memories of my childhood aren't pleasant for the most part, but I tend to focus on those times that I felt special and important, and the funny thing is......it was usually my dad that made me feel that way. Some of the things he taught me will be with me for a long time.....whether he practiced what he preached or not is not for me to decide. He taught me that if you commit to something....follow through. If you do something.....do it right. It you work for someone....earn your pay and then some. If you love someone....don't just tell then, but SHOW them. If you speak....make your words count for something. If someone says you can't.....prove to YOURSELF that you can! And many more, I am sure.

March 10th will mark one year since my dad passed away, and a day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. He annoyed me at times, but what I wouldn't give to have had one more chance to be 'annoyed' by him. I loved him and miss him more than I think anyone knows.