Week Two of Esther

I have decided I don't like Xerxes. Hoping something happens that will make me feel a tad bit better about him as I continue to read through Esther, but not likely in mt mind at this point in time.

This weeks study has been a bit more stressful for me as we dive into the Word and see what gems we can find in Esther's story. Comfort, however, is found in the fact that women then struggled in the similar ways to how we do now. I'm thankful in the fact that today we have, to some degree, been given (I prefer to think we have worked hard in order to gain) the right to be more than just objects of beauty and desire. Hard to swallow the idea that we are simply here for someone elses delight. I simply cannot for the life of me wrap my mind even remotely around that concept.

Having been raised by a dad that loved and respected me for me and who raised me to expect the same from anyone I dated and certainly anyone I would marry, has helped me to honor the relationship between a man and his wife. One of respect, and dignity and grace.....rather than one of fear, concern and stress. Often I have found myself overcome with emotion at those times of feeling extremely blessed that the Lord saw to it that I would not compromise or sacrifice (even prior to being a Christian, thanks in part to my dad's loving instruction and guidance) my personal convictions and ethics in order to gain approval or attention from a man. This is one of the reasons that my husband has stated that he first felt drawn to me. That I had an inner sense of who I am and Who I belong to. You see, when you belong to the Lord of all lord.....the King of all kings...... there is no need to fill that space that only He can fill.

My husband is many things to me and I am ever grateful for him and his wisdom, love, understanding, compassion, laughter, humor, tolerance of my "moments", the way he loves me when I am unlovable, the times when he gets frustrated with me to the point that all he can do is pray...and he does go and pray rather than voice his frustrations, and the way he can look at me and we both start laughing because we know EXACTLY what the other is thinking and what the next thing to be said will be. BUT, the Lord is the first love of my life. He is my rugged Rock, my safe Shelter, my perfect Protector, my every Everything. The Lord showed me a long time ago that my husband is my "beneift". He is someone that the Lord has given me here on earth to be a partner, a lover, a best friend, a supporter, and an encourager.....not my lord. The best thing I/we can do for my/our marriage is to never forget that above all else...Jesus.

The reoccuring inner question I faced this week is as I studied Esther is this....would I risk it all and say that nothing/no one surpasses the knowledge of knowing Christ as Lord? The answer is absolutley, a resounding "Yes and Amen!" I shared this with Dale and his response was, "Sorry Honey, you know you are my number one girl. But Jesus will always be my Number One." I told him that being number two never felt better!

Week One of Esther

So as we head into the second week of study with Beth Moore (via video, of course), I opened my mouth and opened a can of worms. Such is the way I am, it seems. Anyway, in the video, Beth was describing how in today's world there are those women who have to be noticed (in a nutshell.....dangerous women), those who want to be noticed (basically.....desperate women) and those who are wanting to just hide and not be seen at all (bluntly put......terrified women). She said another one, but before I could hear it, I had raised my hand and started a commotion by saying something to the effect of "Right here, Sister!"

It went something like this: BETH: "Those who just want to hide and not be seen at all." As she takes a breath before continuing, I shoot my hand up and say. "Right here,Sister!" Then BETH: "These are terrified women." Can't you just picture it? Me with my hand in the air as Beth calls me out and calls me terrified! I love it!

Two of the gals at my table broke out in crazy laughter because they thought that I had raised my hand before I knew what was coming.....quite contrary, Girls. i thought she was going to say "These are scared women."

As my tablemates were laughing and giggling at the sight of me making a "blunder" by raising my hand......again, just trying to be honest.....my reply was, "Hey....just being honest." One gal sitting across from me, Sue, thought it was so funny that she was literally crying. The other gal that was getting a kick out of me being "busted" as she would later describe it to me....was my mother.

Now you would think that it would have occurred to me to not say a word, not raise a hand, since this sort of thing has happened to me many times before. Just sit there like everyone else was doing and just listen, maybe take a note now and again, maybe think of where else I could be right now and the four hundred other things I could be doing....just be like the others. For some reason, that just ain't my style.....and I learned that it wasn't Esther's style either. "Open mouth, insert foot".....a phrase my dad often used to describe me as I was growing up. If there is a person in the room that will be honest about the inner workings of the Lord in my heart (only when prompted by Him of course) often to the point of self-exposure (not something I am fond of).....yep, that's me! Not that I am apologizing for any actions as they were just raw emotion and I am, after all, in the Bible study to be changed. To be changed is to be honest with yourself and with those who have come along for the journey through the study of His Word. To be honest with the Lord and in the sight of Him as I search for the truth of His Word to take hold and transform my life...this is why I am there.

I am excited for the reward I will be getting for coming before Him boldly and asking for the changes that I need to take place in my heart. Never am I going to be ashamed or apologize to cry during a video tape as I did the other night, or for crying in church when I am moved by the Spirit, or for crying when I am brought to a place of spiritually sympathizing with a sister who is going through a tough time, even if that sympathy brings me to a place where I am feeling...really feeling her inner pain.

Who knows what the Lord has in store for us all in this study? None of us! Who knows what He has in store for me? I surely don't! I can however tell you this....whatever it is....it's gonna be good!

Stay tuned..........as I plan on staying tuned-in to the One who is worthy of all I have to offer (no matter how foolish others may think I am and no matter the cost to self )! It's gonna be GOOD!

Meh! Compliments of Zach

Zach has a word he uses to describe a less than favorable day or situation, moment or thought. The word is very simple....yet very profound. The use of the word may go something like this:

Q: "Hey, Zach! How's it going?" A: "Meh."

Q: "How was work today?' A: "Meh."

Q: "Could you please go get your sister from Young Life?" A; "Meh!"

Comment: "Here's your mail. I think you have a bill in there." Response: Mmmmm-meh." (you can hold the "m" sound for as long as you need to to make it effective to your point. Basic rule is that the "m" sound should be held longer in those times or situations where there is VERY unfavorable moments, thoughts or situations)

It is a fun word that I have inadvertently picked up after hearing him use it in so many different ways. Try it....because, "Meh. You might like it!" I like it because it is almost like a teenage girl's sigh as she rolls her eyes, but a bit more sophisticated and not as obnoxious to those who may be close enough to hear it. It isn't something that need be said loudly, just a sort of under your breath kinda thing that lingers for a brief moment and then vanishes just a quickly as if never spoken at all.Personally....I'm liking it! Try it for yourself. Be sure to give Zach credit for it though....or I will never hear the end of it for having stolen his word. Meh, indeed!

His Reflection?

As I was getting ready for work this morning, after taking a shower and getting dressed, brushing my teeth and drying my hair, I began to apply my makeup. Although it has been almost two years since my Lasik eye surgery, it is still strange for me to "see" myself without glasses when I look in the mirror. Since I have had to wear glasses from a very young age, I had grown accustomed to having to get REALLY close to the mirror in order to see myself. When I was in early high school, I remember having lash marks on the mirror because I had to get so close to the mirror to see my eyes without my glasses on. I soon learned how to apply ALL of my makeup with the use of a mirror (still can if in a pinch). ;) Anyway, so this brings me back to the story about today.

As I was somewhere in the process this morning of applying my eye shadow, a little blush, some eye liner and maybe some mascara (hadn't decided yet if I want to go to that hassle or not), I realized that I was standing at a normal distance from the mirror and how that still amazes me that I can actually see myself from that distance. I decided that today was indeed a mascara kinda day, so as I was putting some on my right eye, I caught a glimpse of my left side in the mirror because we have a tri-fold mirror and the mirror on the left was slightly ajar after I took my mascara out of its place. I should note here that it indeed WAS in it's proper place which means that my 16 year old daughter has managed to hang on to HER mascara for over three weeks straight now! Impressive. So continuing with the story..... it occurred to me that I read once that the two sides of your face are not the same/symmetrical. If you don't believe me, put your hand on the tip of your nose and "divide" your face. Look in the mirror at each half of your face and you will see a similar but very different view of your features. Not that I am one to go around looking at my face from all angles, but really, try it! It actually freaks me out a bit when I have done this before!

Back to my revelation....so there I was, applying my mascara to the lashes on my right eye, when I caught a glimpse of the left side of my face in the mirrored door that was ajar. I began to ask the Lord, "So do you think I have to put foundation on EVERY day now?" Ugh....I felt like I was looking into the eyes of a stranger. I stood there for a moment sizing myself up and began to think...."If I were someone else looking at me, would I appear to be a reflection of Him?" "Would I cast a good reflection of Him or a bad one?" Let me say that while in my bathroom this morning, I was feeling like I looked like an OK reflection of Him. I had a slight smile (after all it is funny to think that I was pondering being someone else looking at myself and what I might have thought of me), and my eye looked pleasant and trustworthy. I glanced at the clock and realized I had better hit the road. It was already 6:15 and I still needed to throw in a load of laundry and start the coffee for Dale before I left.

Later on, after arriving to work in the nick of time, I was presented with a slight challenge. You know how you learn something from the Lord or from his Word and then comes the putting it into practice? Well, yep....it was one of those moments for me this morning. A lady and her daughter had come in and were looking at color. The lady was choosing paint colors for her living-room, dining room and kitchen plus all ceilings and trim boards. After I had finished greeting her, she stated that they were going to look at color chips and would let me know when they were ready to discuss sheens and paint quality, etc.

In the meantime another lady had come in and upon my greeting, "Hello. What may I help you with today?" She stated abruptly, "I know what I want....just give me a minute and I will find it!" With that said, she headed over to the color chip section. I had many things that I wanted to say in response, but have worked in customer service related jobs long enough to know that when you open your mouth, you have already lost and just get yourself further into the hole you have dug for yourself if they retaliate with a comment you don't like. So, although I had plenty to say......I said nothing. The lady and her daughter asked, "Should we use semi-gloss on the ceiling?" "You can if you like", I stated, "But most people use flat because it shows less imperfections and won't show roller marks as easily on the ceiling as a semi-gloss will."

"Do you have a really washable flat? Because this is going to go in a kitchen." I proceeded to tell them about our washable flat that has the washability of a semi-gloss without the shine and it is also low VOC and low odor....when who chimes in? Yep...the other lady! And it wasn't a polity "chiming in"...nope it went more like this, "Oh," (as she nudges me out of the way with her elbow)...what color are you looking at for your walls?" The lady and her daughter look at her a bit puzzled as they didn't know if she worked there or not and after a few glances back and forth...first looking at me..then her...then me ....then her...the lady states, "Well, I am only asking because I am an interior designer and I KNOW my color!"

Yep....there was the test. See, I am part of a new Beth Moore Bible study being conducted by my ladies group. Our first meeting was last week and the over all theme of the study for our homework is this thought: It is hard being a woman in another woman's shadow. As I remembered the theme for the week, I immediately, I thought "Ah-ha!" this is a classic case of that statement....this interior designer was in my shadow and she was going to do whatever she could to be number one on my "turf". She was telling the other lady, "You want to use flat on the ceiling, satin on the walls and a semi-gloss on trim and cabinet work. Now, what color are you planning on painting the ceiling?" The lady said, "Oh...we probably will paint it the same color as the walls." The interior designer states, "Oh...you don't want to do that. Just have them tint the ceiling paint at 1/8Th of the formula as the wall color. Then you will have cohesiveness within the space. My thought was: "What you will have is olive green walls and a mint colored ceiling." The daughter says, "Oh mom. That might look nice." I am screaming inside ..........no!!!!! The mom says...well lets ask the paint lady. Mind you we are ALL standing within about 2 feet from one another. "What do you think?", she asks me....the interior designer looking on with a "crusty face"as we called it as kids.

Never to be one to lie about a color (right or wrong....I'll tell you straight up if you have a good color or not....sorry) I tell her that I cannot cut the color she is planning on using on the walls and get a lighter shade of that color for the ceiling because it is in a deep base and the extra white base has more white pigment in it and will make the lighter color not only lighter, but much more gray than the color on the wall. The interior designer, once again elbowed me (!) and says, "Well, just ask one of the MEN to do it. I'm sure they can figure it out for you. They won't be difficult at all." Then she looks at me, brushes past me and smiles...one of those smiles that says "I am smiling....but not really!"

At this moment, I was about ready to say, "Would you appreciate it if I started talking with your client about how to arrange their furniture in a space? Would that be acceptable to you? I think not!" No sooner than the thoughts hit my mind than she says, "We all know that ANYONE can work in a paint store but it takes someone with a great eye for color to visualize it in a space. That's where I come in! I am here on vacation, but my daughter works up at (mentions a local design center) and she has a great eye for color. Here is her card. You can talk with her. She's great. You would have to purchase your paint at the (competitor) paint store as that is what she will recommend, but they can match any Sherwin-Williams color...no problem. That's what I am doing. I love Sherwin-Williams colors but I will just get them matched over there because my son-in-law is a painter and he buys ALL of his paint there." Then she looks at me and puts me on the spot by saying to me, "Hope you don't mind if I send someone to your competitor for the paint....but I just LOVE your guy's colors!" Again, she brushes past me with that same little smile.

Now I am fuming inside. I think to myself, "How dare she! That is the rudest thing I have heard in a while. Send MY customer to a designer, send her to my competitor to get MY color matched in THEIR paint...all while discussing this in MY store!!!!" She didn't so much as even try to be discrete! Crazy! I thought...."It sure is hard to be a woman in another woman's shadow isn't it, Honey?" The Lord quickly reminded me that I was the one getting upset....that maybe I am the one having to live in the shadow (even if it was a self-made shadow). At this point, I hadn't said a word in defense. I listened and even at one point I walked away a bit as to NOT say something. Then just as quickly as she came into the store, she leaves with a handful of paint chips. I am left with the lady and her daughter and I am now at a loss for words. I ask them if they have any questions. The lady states, "Yep a few. Does that lady work here?" "No she doesn't. I am so sorry about that whole thing. I'm not quite sure what happened there." She goes on to say that she thought it was so rude of her to say any of that and that she thought it sounded as though she had a personal grudge against me.

Now she wants to order the paint for her project. I begin to discuss sheen and she says, "By the way...is your name Yvonne?" I tell her it is Yvette and she says, "Yep. You are the lady that Home Depot over in Albany recommended. I told them that I lived in Newport and they said that you are THE lady to see when it comes to color. Do you know Bill? From Home Depot in Albany?" I have no clue who he is but I think I owe him a thank you! The lady orders her paint once we decide on a sheen and quality and she decides to paint the ceiling and wall the same color...per her original plan. I handed her my business card and told her that if she had any questions (this is her first ever painting project) that she can reach me any day but Sundays or Mondays.

Just before closing, she called me up to let me know that my painting advice was great and that the color look AWESOME in her house. She will be back in for the living and dining rooms when she completes the kitchen. Then she added, "You handled that situation today very well. I don't think I would have been able to hold back like you did. I could tell you were getting upset and that she was in your space and trying to take over, but I wanted you to know that you did an awesome job today."

The Lord reminded me as I went about performing my closing duties that if I had reacted to the interior designers slams and rudeness today, that nobody would have been able to see Him shine through. If I ad gotten outwardly upset about the fact that my turf was being invaded, I would have lost this battle. For the Word says that we battle not against flesh and blood (interior designers) but against rulers and powers of the enemy (my paraphrase of course). Now, as far as the battle that rages within......the Lord is the one that will overcoming ALL of my battles...whether inward or outward battles. I think that today I look a bit more like my Father than I did this morning. The challenge is to do it again tomorrow when faced with another moment of testing of the spirit.

Top Ten Question for the PaintGirl

1. Do you have to prime primer?

2. Can you make this sky blue into a sunshine yellow?

3. Should I put paint over a topcoat?

4. Can you tell me what color my kitchen is? The prior owner bought their paint here. Not sure who they were, or who the builder was or who the painter was, but I DO know my address...so......

5. Can you match the whiteish coffee color residue of my latte on the inside of my Star Bucks to-go cup....not the outside of the cup....the INSIDE?

6. Paint is paint, right? I mean....all paint is the same right? Just a different brand name.

7. I can't remember who my painter was, but he bought some paint here about 6 years ago and I think he said YOU mixed it....you're Yvette, right? I live at (they give me their address) and it is a sort of warm beige color? Can you find it in my computer, or do you remember what color you made?

8. Can you mix my paint or do you just answer the phone?

9. Can I speak with a man? No offense, but I need a paint expert.

10. I know your sign says Sherwin-Williams, but what BRAND do you sell? You know....what KIND of paint do you sell here? You know....who MAKES your paint?

Answers I gave to the above questions:

1. Primer is just that...it primes. You don't have to prime the primer.....you just need to prime and paint the drywall.

2. Blue and yellow are primary colors, so you cannot make one primary color into another. No matter how much yellow I add, it will never overtake the blue and you will end up with green. At this point the lady asked me, "Every time?" My reply, "Yep....everytime!"

3. Paint is a topcoat.

4. Paint is tracked in the computer by who bought it and only track if it is sold through an account. Without a painter's name, an account name, a builder name, a color name, or time frame....I cannot find your color in the computer. Your address cannot help me find your paint color.

5. I can match the color of the cup, but the color eye will "read" the white cup and not take into account the coffee stain. Plus, I cannot scan a wet sample....it would ruin my $40,000 color eye.

6. That is the same as saying "men or men" or "meat is meat". Until you look closely at a man or talk with him and get to know him....they are all men....but very different indeed! Hamburger and steak are both beef and come from cattle, but they are very different tasting. Sure all paints look the same in the can.....but once you actually apply the paint, you will get a better understanding of why high quality paint costs more.

7. Again without more information, I cannot find your paint in the computer. It would be like going to the grocery store and saying to the cashier, "I purchased a gallon of milk here 6 years ago and it was a gallon and it was white. I think you sold it to me. I sued my credit card so it is in the computer. Can you find it in the computer and tell me what kind it was so that I can get another gallon?

8. Yep. I CAN mix paint....the question now becomes WILL I mix your paint?

9. Sure, let me go get him for you. I then head to the back room and get me newest parttimer (the only other person on duty at the time) and he goes out t help the customer. As my fellow employee approaches, the customer says, "Oh good. I need to talk to you about a lacquer. Do I some sort of sealer under my lacquer and do I have to spray it? And if so, what kind of tip should I use?" The parttimer looks scared and says, "I'm gonna have to get my manger on this one." He comes in the back and says, "He needs to know about lacquer and I don't have a clue! Will you help him?" I go back out and say, "Now what is it that you need?" (I have heard the whole conversation but at this point I just want him to have to work for it!) He replies, "Well, I need the paint expert. Is that you." I simply reply, "Yep." After a brief pause and a scan of my entire being followed by a long stare, he SLOWLY repeats his questions again ("so you understand", he adds) and I look straight at him, point blank in the eyes and ask, "Now do you want a nitricellulous lacquer or do you prefer a pre-cat lac.....you know a pre-catalized hi-build non-yellow, self-priming lacquer..........are you with me?" And then I smile and wait for an answer. It usually start out with an, "Ummmmm." or an "Uhhhhhhhh...." Too fun!

10. We only sell Sherwin-Williams paint and we are the world's oldest and largest paint manufacturer. All of our paint are made by and for Sherwin-Williams. We ARE Sherwin-Williams paint.

Moments of......

Beginning a new Beth Moore Bible study is never something that I completely 100% look forward to. The "work" part of the homework.......that's one thing. The opening up wounds that I had thought were long gone. The remembering of moments that I would much prefer to forget. And the thought rolling around in my heart and head at just how very much the Savior endured for me....for my sin.

So why am I once again in a Beth Moore study? Well, I have thought about that and it is in those moments of deepest inner turning that I am most changed. That is where He can do the most change in my heart. When I obey....even when I really, really, really don't want to! Ever had a moment like that? I have had far too many times to count.

Last night, we gathered for our first of 10 weeks as together we study the book of Esther. To hear Beth explain that she has had a season of not being able to "feel" "touch" "hear" or otherwise "see" God, she knows that she knows that He is with her. Like all of us, I too have had times of feeling like asking Him, "Are you SERIOUS!?" In fact, I HAVE asked Him that question. The answer is always the same...."Yes. I am serious." The choice to "go" with God a given situation or to "go" with self is always looming over me. Times of choosing Him have proven better for me than times of choosing MY way.

To know that I have a destiny is something I have always felt. The Lord has specific plans for me (for you too) and He is more than willing to show us these plans when we yield to Him and His will. To 'bend " to His will and way is something that this reed struggles with each day. If you are honest at all, you have a hard time "bending" as well......yielding to the One worth of all honor, praise and glory. But oh in those times when we do....WOW!

Looking forward to this study isn't something that my heart is feeling right now. It is more out of obedience that I am doing this. The whole idea of a Bible study with a bunch of women, lead by a woman, about a woman.....well, it's just overwhelming if I let it be. But this is what He is calling me too....it is what He has prepared me for. A ministry with other women, for women. Not exactly my cup of tea......after all, I prefer coffee!

It is with an open heart, a spirit of yielding and an intense love of the Lord that I accept whatever it is that He has planned for me. The Bible verse that is my life verse and that I have a tattoo of is Jeremiah 29 : 11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to bring you a future and a hope. Some of what He has reveal to me has scared the socks off of me. Some of them are mind boggling and a few are downright crazy! But....it isn't my plan, it isn't my life even. I belong to Him and I am His alone....Ia mnot my own, I was bought with a price and that price was the very life of Jesus. Broken and battered He took my place....took on my sin. So broken and battered I come to Him willing to do whatever the Father asks of me. What better example of following God is there, afterall, than Jesus Himself.

Looking forward to my homework with a grateful and expectant heart!

Remembering Dad

Yesterday marked one year since my dad passed away. Throughout the day (yes, I worked 11 hours as is usual for my Tuesdays) I kept having little thoughts of moments spent with my dad. We were never really the kind of family that did a lot of things together that wasn't "practical" or "necessary", so the few moments that I have in my memory that were moments of fun or togetherness are treasured.

One moment that will always stick with me is the first time I saw my dad cry. I was about 7 years old and my sister 8 years my senior) had just received a new three speed bike. I was too young to ride it, but I had never seen a new bike other than in the store and I wanted to ride it so badly. My dad decided to have me sit on the handle bars and he would give me a rise. We started toward the corner and there was a VW coming up behind us. I remember yelling,"Let's race it Dad! Let's race it!" He began to peddle fast and I was having a great time with the wind in my face AND we were actually beating the VW! As we approached the corner, my dad began to apply the brakes and I went flying up and over the front of the bike. My dad had forgotten that we were on my sister's NEW bike and that unlike he old bike, these brakes worked well. My face landed on the sidewalk, and I ended up with a large scrape on my face that went all along the right side of my face......from my jaw line to above my eye. It was a really bad scrape and I of course was crying. My mom took care of the wound, and I went to find my dad to tell him I was going to be okay. I found him on the stairway to the basement and he had his face in his hands and he was crying. This was the first time in my life that I saw him cry and it scared me a bit. He kept saying, "I'm sorry." over and over to me. I realized at that moment that my dad was human. That he had feelings and he hurt and his heart was capable of deep feeling.

Years later, and just a few weeks before he passed away, I was at work listening to a Chris Tomlin song titled, "I Will Rise". My dad had stopped by my work as he was in the habit of doing from time to time and he come to my car and asked what I was doing. I told him about the song I was listening to and he said, "Well, let's hear it!" As I restarted the song, we listened to the words Chris sang, "There's a peace Ive come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul, I can say it is well...." as the song continued, and then came to an end, my dad began to tear up. He said, "Won't that be awesome! To be in the presence of the Lord! I think I'll just hit the floor of heaven when I get there and that's where I'll stay from about a million years or so." Little did either one of us know, that he would just two weeks later, meet the Lord face to face.

So....yesterday, while I was having thoughts throughout the day, I had a peace that my dad has now completed his first year of the million he was planning to just lay before the Lord in reverence and honor and awe. 999,999 years to go and then he spend the next million on his knees before the One who is worthy of all praise.

There are times I think my dad will walk through my door at work and ask me, "What's goin' on?" as he reaches out to give me a hug. If I see a blue fishing hat, I immediately think of him and always will. He loved me and I loved him....although we didn't tell one another very often. That is the only thing I might consider a "regret"....but I prefer to look at it as a lesson..... Take time now to tell others that I love them so that when they are gone I won't feel as though they didn't know.....or that I failed to let them know.